| Product Ref. | DOKH-WPN-0047 |
| Status | DISCONTINUED — Effective Immediately |
| Location | Procurement Fulfilment Centre, Building 4-C |
| Personnel Involved | Senior Procurement Officer T. Harwick, Warehouse Operative D. Munroe, and one other party whose name shall not be disclosed at this time |
| Injuries Sustained | Moderate. The ceiling has since been replaced. The goat is fine. |
On the date in question, the DOKH-WPN-0047 "Knife Hand, Launcher, Grenade" was undergoing what was described in the requisition log as a "routine demonstration for departmental procurement leads." What followed has been characterised by the review panel as "an entirely foreseeable sequence of events, given the product description alone."
The unit — a grenade launcher integrated into a ceremonial knife hand — was activated without adequate clearance of the immediate area and in contravention of the three-second rule posted clearly on the wall of Room 4-C since the previous incident. The subsequent discharge was described by witnesses as "impressive," "significant," and "absolutely not what we were told would happen."
Senior Procurement Officer Harwick had, by all accounts, been enthusiastic about the DOKH-WPN-0047 since its initial listing. According to colleagues, he had referred to it in at least four separate internal memoranda as "a once-in-a-generation procurement opportunity" and had personally fast-tracked its evaluation bypassing the standard eighteen-month review period.
At approximately 14:37, Harwick engaged the launch mechanism while the unit was pointed in a direction later described as "away from the group," though this account is disputed by Operative Munroe, who filed a separate statement using language the review panel deemed "colourful but technically accurate."
The resulting event caused structural damage to the suspended ceiling tiles, one (1) fire suppression activation, and the temporary relocation of the departmental pet — a pygmy goat named Gerald — to an adjacent building. Gerald was recovered unharmed. Harwick's eyebrows were recovered separately.
Following a thorough review lasting eleven minutes (the panel had a lunch reservation), the committee recommended immediate discontinuation of the DOKH-WPN-0047 product line, mandatory re-evaluation of all "Knife Hand" variant SKUs, and the installation of a second sign in Room 4-C.
The panel further noted that the product name alone should have been sufficient grounds for a more careful review process, and expressed "mild concern" that the product had passed three stages of procurement approval without comment.
The Department of Knife Hands acknowledges that the Knife Hand, Launcher, Grenade has been discontinued. The Department does not acknowledge anything else. Any further questions regarding this matter should be directed to the Department's Office of Questions, which was also discontinued, effective the same date.
Departmental Discretion and Plausible Deniability Act.
The contents of this report are subject to an ongoing review
by a committee that does not officially exist.
We are unable to confirm whether an incident occurred.
We are also unable to confirm that it did not.
Gerald is fine. That is all we are authorised to say.